The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
ALMOST ANY CRISIS.
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train
went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for
a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of
pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also
a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice
contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today
than they have ever been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth
fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple
as possible, but no simpler.
in regards to how the rest of the world thinks of cold weather....
(all temperatures in fahrenheit
degrees)
60 above
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Michigan people plant gardens.
50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Michigan people sunbathe. Nude.
40 above
Italian cars won't start.
Michigan people drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
Michigan people throw on a sweatshirt - no sleeves
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Michigan people have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
- 0 -
People in Miami cease to exist..
Michigan people lick the flagpole. Honest.
20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
Michigan people get out their winter coats.
40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
Michigan's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to
door.
60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Michigan's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Michigan people rent some videos.
100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michigan people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Michigan cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.
Michigan people start saying...."Cold `nuff for ya?"
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl.
18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX
18 - You don't have to sneak your golf
magazines into the house.
17 - If you are having trouble with golf,
it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional
to show you how to improve
your technique.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say
anything about golf.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or
videotapes of you golfing, you don't
have to worry about them showing up
on the Internet when you
become famous.
14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking
questions about other partners you've golfed
with.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with
a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good golfer,
you don't have to feel guilty about imagining
the two of you golfing
together.
11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available,
he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you
will go blind if you golf
by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you
never have to wonder if they are really
an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy
shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy
golf stuff.
7 - You can have a golf calendar on your
wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite
coworkers to golf with you without getting
sued for harassment.
6 - There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5 - If you want to watch golf on television,
you don't have to subscribe to a premium
cable channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to promise to
golf with just one partner for the rest of
your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up
golfing if your partner loses interest in
the game.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed
to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment
of golf.
1 - Your golf partner will never say,
"What? We just golfed last week!
Is that all you ever think about?
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It
Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite
Remember My Name
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But
Miles From The Next Exit
Where Are We Going And Why Am I
In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
Paper company that folded?
Brake company on the skids?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
The train company that went off the rails?
The ship building company that sunk?
The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?
(part 1)
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's you know what
if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your
pubic area.
You never have to drive to another
gas station because this one's just
too icky.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room
to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux
rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a
canteen.
People never glance at your
chest when you're talking to
them.
The occasional well-rendered
belch is practically expected.
*Only 4 correct answers needed to
pass*
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
All done? Check your answers below!
Let's see now:
No premarital sex.
No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties.
Actually, no tailgates.
No Hooters.
No meat from a pig
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy insight.
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your butt only with your left.
Like life isn't complicated enough already.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors.
No music
No radio
You can't shave
You can't shower
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
Who wouldn't go for it?
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate
the October Revolution?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
named after what animal?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand
with Funny in the subject line and I will add it to the page! I would love to hear from you!
A redneck's trying to become a naturalist. First, he
decides to study the flea. He takes a flea and puts
it on a white piece of paper and yells: "JUMP!"
The flea jumps, so the redneck cuts his legs off.
"JUMP!", he yells. But this time the flea doesn't jump.
Pleased with himself, the redneck writes in his entry book:
"After having his legs cut off, the flea became deaf."